I'm sure sin in my life was a large factor in my decision to be so closed-minded about biological children. Still, there's a part of me that feels God allowed me to have those feelings knowing all along that He would dramatically change my heart some day. *Disclaimer: we are still open to adoption. God hasn't shut that door, just moved it further down the road for us to examine later.
Each evening, Isaac and I read two Beth Moore devotional books. One of the books is Believing God Day by Day: Growing Your Faith All Year Long. The devotional for July 26, the day after Man Cub was born, absolutely blew me away:
God created us. He knows what satisfies our souls and fulfills us. He could grant us victory and maturity without an ounce of participation, but He created us to be most satisfied by apprehending through diligent pursuit. Our salvation is a free gift of grace that demanded the work of Jesus alone . God made sure, however, that much of our fulfillment would involve the glorious pursuit of God and His goals so our souls would be filled and thrilled in the constant discoveries. God is sovereign, Dear One. And when all is said and done, He knows what will thrill us the most.1
Oh, yes. My Maker knows my heart like none other. He knew from before I was born that mommy-hood would thrill me most. Not teaching, not Zambia, not music, but mommy-hood. Oh, those other things thrill me, but not like this! Whether I didn't want to admit it or just couldn't see it, this is my grandest calling yet. The coos, the cries, the giggles, the middle of the night feeding, the cuddles, the nursing, the bathing, the diapers...there is nothing on the planet that fits me better. Nothing. The Lord has relentlessly pursued my heart through pregnancy and now this little baby. It helped that I've always sought His face, even when I was afraid of what I might find. When I'm willing to change and be molded, the process is somewhat less painful but always, always exhilarating.
My Man Cub has become my all, and I've caught myself a few times making sure I don't idolize him. He is not my god nor should he ever become my life. That role is for Jesus alone. But I can relish in playing with him, in comforting him, in praying over him, and rejoicing in the gift that he is. I pray daily that God never cuts my days of mommy-hood short, but I also refuse to give in to fear. This little boy was knit together by Jehovah Jireh for a divine plan that only he can fulfill, and his daddy and I are honored and humbled that we are able to shepherd him through this journey.
This joy of mommy-hood is breath taking. It feels so natural and easy to me. The Spirit has made it so simple to make choices for Man Cub, and Isaac and I both rejoice in that daily. We seek wisdom, and it's always been found. We just go with the flow of where the Lord leads and trust that our sweet boy will receive the benefit of our decision not to keep him cooped up out of fear or dread of what could happen to him. When there's been legitimate reason to protect him from something, we have, but otherwise, we quickly learned that one cannot stop living and being used by God simply because there is a baby in the house. There's freedom in that, so much freedom, and I'm thankful for this little one for teaching me that.
May I always find my source of joy in the Lord as He pursues me in His beautiful love song over me. May my fulfillment come from Him as I seek His face!
1Moore, Beth (2013-11-26). Believing God Day by Day: Growing Your Faith All Year Long (p. 216). B&H Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
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