How do I adequately share in a blog post about a child that completely stole my heart and changed my life? I doubt I'll do Jessy justice here, but she was a huge part of 2010 and cannot be ignored.
I was in Lusaka for several days working mostly at Chifundo School before I got to spend any appreciable amount of time at House of Martha, the orphanage for children older than 4 in the CACZ network. The one time I was there during my first week, a World Cup game was on the TV, and since school was over and everyone was crowded around the small screen, not a soul cared that a new white girl was in the house. Yes, 'football' is that big of a deal in Zambia!
July 3rd, a Monday, was the first day I was at HOMa for more than 5 minutes, and a little girl quietly waited for me to greet everyone and then grabbed my hand and didn't let go-for hours. Jessy is about 6, though I still don't have as many details about her as I want. My investigative skills are in the making. She's super shy and quiet as a mouse. It was a national holiday, so we were there to play, build pinewood derby cars, and make journals, but Jessy just wanted to sit. I took her up in the playhouse and tried to get her to talk. While Nyanja is her first language, she knows English, but was too shy to want to use it. It took me ages to figure out she just wanted to be held. We rocked and I prayed over her for quite a while. Eventually we were joined by others who wanted to read, so we read! The smiles I got out of my Jessy girl where what we both needed! We stayed together the rest of the day, enjoying our pizza and Fanta for one of the ladies' birthdays, gluing together her journal so she could draw, and reading more books.
The following day was another national holiday, so we went back to HOMa for more crafts and play time. Jessy was waiting in the play yard for me and latched on as soon as I arrived. A group of girls was trying to learn to knit, but I am not the person to help with that, so Jessy and I played some awesome Zambian kid games, similar to Ring Around the Rosy and Duck, Duck, Goose with some of the boys and littlest girls. It wasn't exactly a super exciting day, but through prayer and cuddles, that little girl and I created a bond between woman and child that I truly believe only another mother understands.
Jessy and I were able to see each other a few more times, but each was brief. While I wasn't ready to come home at the end of my trip, leaving Jessy made it even worse. I sat in the plane on the runway with the tears streaming. I was leaving behind family and friends, but I knew in the deepest part of my being that I was also leaving behind my child.
I hardly slept for a month after coming home. I'd sit in the living room at night and pray, mostly because that's when I knew Jessy was awake half a world away from me, and I would sob and sob. I hate that she is not knowing the love of a family; I hate that she doesn't have strong male influences; I hate that she'll probably never finish school; I hate that she'll probably never get adopted by anyone else because of her age. Basically, it boils down to me wanting to sucker punch Satan again and again. I wanted Jessy home with us so badly, and it made me nuts that I feel useless.
First, it's not cheap to adopt, and we're still on a tight budget so we can get our school loans paid. We don't use credit, and we don't take out loans. If it's not in the budget, we don't do it. Obviously, adopting right now isn't in the budget. My gut tells me that if we stepped out in faith, and sought God in this a bit more, the doors will open, but we as a couple aren't quite there yet (and I mean as a couple...there's no finger pointing or blame game here). Move, Lord!
Second, Zambia has an adoption law that no child may be adopted by an adult less than 21 years older than him or her. I'm still trying to get an actual birth date for Jessy, but it looks like I, and especially Isaac, don't meet that requirement. I don't know how strictly that particular law is followed. Personally, age shouldn't matter when children and adults love each other. Again, I just have this feeling that if we become willing to step out in faith, doors will open for us. I have certainly heard of more difficult obstacles being over come when God has a child intended for a family.
I know Jessy is well loved by the house moms at HOMa. I know she is learning. I know that she has friends. I know she gets to go to church and worship the One whom she loves and Who loves her more than I do. I know she gets plenty of food and a warm bed. But, regardless of if Jessy legally becomes my daughter, I know she's mine, and the ache of not being the one to tuck her in at night and share the wonders of God is so painful it takes away my breathe.
Isaac and the Lord have shaken me back to reality and I keep the crying and sleepless nights to just a few a month now. This little girl has certainly strengthened my faith as I've chosen to see all of that which the Lord is capable and chosen to trust Him, regardless of His answers.
If our time here on Earth is not together, the separation won't be enjoyed, but it's just a moment compared to eternity. Come, Lord Jesus!
I was in Lusaka for several days working mostly at Chifundo School before I got to spend any appreciable amount of time at House of Martha, the orphanage for children older than 4 in the CACZ network. The one time I was there during my first week, a World Cup game was on the TV, and since school was over and everyone was crowded around the small screen, not a soul cared that a new white girl was in the house. Yes, 'football' is that big of a deal in Zambia!
July 3rd, a Monday, was the first day I was at HOMa for more than 5 minutes, and a little girl quietly waited for me to greet everyone and then grabbed my hand and didn't let go-for hours. Jessy is about 6, though I still don't have as many details about her as I want. My investigative skills are in the making. She's super shy and quiet as a mouse. It was a national holiday, so we were there to play, build pinewood derby cars, and make journals, but Jessy just wanted to sit. I took her up in the playhouse and tried to get her to talk. While Nyanja is her first language, she knows English, but was too shy to want to use it. It took me ages to figure out she just wanted to be held. We rocked and I prayed over her for quite a while. Eventually we were joined by others who wanted to read, so we read! The smiles I got out of my Jessy girl where what we both needed! We stayed together the rest of the day, enjoying our pizza and Fanta for one of the ladies' birthdays, gluing together her journal so she could draw, and reading more books.
The following day was another national holiday, so we went back to HOMa for more crafts and play time. Jessy was waiting in the play yard for me and latched on as soon as I arrived. A group of girls was trying to learn to knit, but I am not the person to help with that, so Jessy and I played some awesome Zambian kid games, similar to Ring Around the Rosy and Duck, Duck, Goose with some of the boys and littlest girls. It wasn't exactly a super exciting day, but through prayer and cuddles, that little girl and I created a bond between woman and child that I truly believe only another mother understands.
Jessy and I were able to see each other a few more times, but each was brief. While I wasn't ready to come home at the end of my trip, leaving Jessy made it even worse. I sat in the plane on the runway with the tears streaming. I was leaving behind family and friends, but I knew in the deepest part of my being that I was also leaving behind my child.
I hardly slept for a month after coming home. I'd sit in the living room at night and pray, mostly because that's when I knew Jessy was awake half a world away from me, and I would sob and sob. I hate that she is not knowing the love of a family; I hate that she doesn't have strong male influences; I hate that she'll probably never finish school; I hate that she'll probably never get adopted by anyone else because of her age. Basically, it boils down to me wanting to sucker punch Satan again and again. I wanted Jessy home with us so badly, and it made me nuts that I feel useless.
First, it's not cheap to adopt, and we're still on a tight budget so we can get our school loans paid. We don't use credit, and we don't take out loans. If it's not in the budget, we don't do it. Obviously, adopting right now isn't in the budget. My gut tells me that if we stepped out in faith, and sought God in this a bit more, the doors will open, but we as a couple aren't quite there yet (and I mean as a couple...there's no finger pointing or blame game here). Move, Lord!
Second, Zambia has an adoption law that no child may be adopted by an adult less than 21 years older than him or her. I'm still trying to get an actual birth date for Jessy, but it looks like I, and especially Isaac, don't meet that requirement. I don't know how strictly that particular law is followed. Personally, age shouldn't matter when children and adults love each other. Again, I just have this feeling that if we become willing to step out in faith, doors will open for us. I have certainly heard of more difficult obstacles being over come when God has a child intended for a family.
I know Jessy is well loved by the house moms at HOMa. I know she is learning. I know that she has friends. I know she gets to go to church and worship the One whom she loves and Who loves her more than I do. I know she gets plenty of food and a warm bed. But, regardless of if Jessy legally becomes my daughter, I know she's mine, and the ache of not being the one to tuck her in at night and share the wonders of God is so painful it takes away my breathe.
Isaac and the Lord have shaken me back to reality and I keep the crying and sleepless nights to just a few a month now. This little girl has certainly strengthened my faith as I've chosen to see all of that which the Lord is capable and chosen to trust Him, regardless of His answers.
If our time here on Earth is not together, the separation won't be enjoyed, but it's just a moment compared to eternity. Come, Lord Jesus!
2 comments:
so sweet. :)
glad you found our blog! we are living in Lusaka in Emmasdale. i'm looking forward to reading more about your past connections here in Zam. any plans to return soon?
blessings. :)
do you have a post kind of summarizing when you lived in zam and what you were doing? i've been looking through your posts, but my internet connection is really bad this week and its not letting me load much. :)
Post a Comment