Decisions

Ask my mom and she will tell you that my biggest fault is indecisiveness.  As a child (and sometimes as an adult), having to choose between two things distresses me so much I freeze up and just cry.  Part of this stems from being a people pleaser and never knowing what will make those around me most happy, but also having selfish desires.  HUGE fault.

Money can cause this issue for me in ways that nothing else on the planet can.  I worked my tail off this Spring, and will continue working my tail off until July, to earn lots of extra money from the school district.  The point and goal of this was to be able to travel to Zambia soon, potentially over Christmas.  It dawned on me Friday or Saturday that I could in theory travel this July, which put me in a panic.  Travel now or later?  Be in the state of Texas for only 3 weeks this summer, or struggle to find purposeful ways to fill summer break after I return from the history grant trip?

To make it more complicated, we were contemplating a vacation with Isaac's family in August for our anniversary.  I had it in my head that if we went, we'd use up all my extra money.  This is dumb, because it isn't my money.  It's God's money that He's given to US.  Oh, ye of little faith (ahem, ME!).  After Isaac calmed me enough to make sense of my gibberish, I was able to understand that we did have enough money from other means to pay for a vacation without hindering my ability to travel to Zambia, without jeopardizing our ability to sponsor Jessy, and without denying out tithe.  Then I had to cry because it's so unfair that we can be blessed with bonuses for a week of vacation while so many people I know, and millions that I don't know, will never have a vacation from stress, starvation, disease, and poverty.  Once Isaac prayed with me and helped me understand (for only the 68th time) that it is ok to accept blessings from the Lord when one is striving to serve and glorify Him, I gave in to the vacation.  I'm actually now quite excited about our time with Penny, Dave, Jacob, and his friend Sarah, but my goodness, the struggle to accept the trip! I try so hard to please God in each decision I make, and when I start to think I might be making a decision that displeases my Lord, I panic.

Back to Zambia: I still had to decide if I was going to travel this July, or Christmas.  I made some phone calls today, and found out that it was better for CACZ for me to travel in July.  Ok, time to rush!  However, Isaac came home at lunch and asked me a question I was not prepared to hear.  He wanted to know if I would be willing to forgo travel for this summer, keep the money I have saved specifically earmarked for Zambia, save even more the next 12 months, and go with ISAAC in June, 2012.  Boy, Howdy!  My jaw dropped to the table, I'm sure!  Yes, please!  A chance for Isaac to meet my brother Kelvin?  A chance for Isaac to fall in love with Jessy?  A chance for him to work with Abraham and teach the other boys about Christ's goodness and life skills?  A chance to possibly meet with a judge about waiving the age requirements to adopt Jessy?  A chance for us to serve together the people I love more than any other on Earth?  AMEN!

I won't lie: part of me wanted to say, "No!  I'm traveling in 3 weeks to hold my Jessy!"  Selfish desires to be with my girl are so strong right now.  At the same time, her letters beg me to bring Isaac to meet her.  How can I deny a 6 1/2 year old one of the few things in my power to grant her? 

Twelve months can be a long time, but I know God is going to fill our days with preparation (not to mention daily life!), so that the time flies and we are prepared and ready come June.  Our dates aren't finalized, but it looks like we'll leave the first full week of June and come home around July 5th.  Please be praying for us, and if you feel led to send donations we can take with us (diapers!) or wish to sponsor us, please let us know.